Dear Fred, Four years ago, I checked Facebook during Chemistry because I heard something had happened near the Tech School, and it was a slow day in class (as it always was). I saw his name and thought I recognized it. I texted Zo asking her. She didn't respond, and I started to slightly freak out because I didn't know what was going on but my gut told me something was very wrong. I didn't want to believe my gut. Four years ago, my Chemistry class let out, and I was walking down the hall with my good friend Nick. Zo texted me back and everything I knew in this world changed. I went into shock when I read the words, "My dad is dead." I didn't think I could face pre-calc and my teacher (not that I usually could, but specifically today was not the best day to try). Thankfully, Nick and I were right near the Guidance Counselors' offices, and he convinced me to go. I'm so thankful that he did. As I was sitting in the chair, waiting for my counselor, reality started to hit me. I hate reality. Fred, Kristy was already in there, apparently she found out before me. We never cried so hard probably in our lives. I called Momma Foote because I didn't want to text Britt while she was in school and ruin what could have been a perfectly normal day if she didn't already know. Momma Foote called Momma Rittenhouse. Fred, I was so scared and so heartbroken. And so angry. I spent most of the rest of the afternoon in the Guidance Office. Four years ago, Fred, Zo was on my basketball team at Quakertown, and we were supposed to have a game that night. The counselors had already let Swaves and Liebl know; they were the first of the team to get there. The rest of the team showed up and saw my face and kept asking me what was wrong. I told them they would find out. I couldn't do it. I couldn't bring myself to accept reality and say that you were dead. I didn't want to. We postponed the game, Fred. Zo didn't want us to, but none of us were in our right mind. We stayed after and made tshirts to support Zo instead and watched the guys play. I finally went back to class for one of my last classes, AP Euro. Mr. Anderson was very kind and made sure I knew he was there if I needed anything. We were supposed to read a textbook. I tried hard to focus on anything except the ordeal, I knew you would want that, but I couldn't focus. Four years ago, you moved on to bigger and much better things, Fred. I know you're happy, and we're still trying to be. You wouldn't want us to have you be the cause of us not moving forward. You want us to be happy and live life to the fullest. You certainly did. So every year, on January 27th, I remember. Given, I remember every day, but I think of you more today. Every year I force myself to remember every detail so I don't forget. Four years feels like a lifetime ago. Four years feels like yesterday. But with everything I remember about January 27th, I try to remember life before that. Like when Zo and I were little, and yall lived around the corner from me on Fox Ct. I'd come over and play with Kristy and Zo sometimes. I wish I spent more time there. Or when you came as a parent chaperon to Spruce Lake for our class trip in 6th grade. That's when I started calling you F-red. For some reason, my mind remembers a time when I was going up that steep hill at SL at night, I don't know who was with me, but you were there. What I wouldn't give to hear your laugh, see your smile, and hear the way you say my name again. But I would give anything to let Zo, Tabi & Kayla to have even one hour with you again. Anything. Zo's 16th birthday party was the last time we were all together and everything was "normal." That was a good day. The last time I saw you, was within a week before the 27th, 2012. You came to one of Zo & my basketball games. As per usual, we lost and that's all I remember about that game. Zo left the locker room before me, and when I walked across the floor, I saw the two of you around center court. Hugging. But it was more than a hug. Zo was crying and you were embracing her like only a father could. That was the last time I saw you. I'm so glad that is my final memory of you. Days and weeks and months following were difficult. They still are, like today, but for me, I've had a lot of healing take place. For months afterwards, I could never respond to the question "how are you" with "good" it was always some sort of "okay." As time went on, I had phases of when I thought of you and transformed into a ball of tears and anger. I would call Britt up, and we would vent to and console each other. I thought moving to Florida, away from everything that reminded me of you, would make life easier. Instead, it made everything harder. One day, I was going with Stetson's FCA to a mini golf/go cart night. On the way there, we passed a place called "Fred's." I pushed the feelings back. Unfortunately, when you push feelings back, they find their way forwards sooner or later. This time it was later. I was about a thousand miles from anyone who understood my past, my emotions, me. I felt trapped. With the help of Britt via telephone and a new friend who I frantically tried to get a hold of, the phase subsided. But it was okay. I was okay. It was another step towards healing. Thankfully, that was my last largest phase and they've dwindled down to just emotions and a mindset now. Only because of God's healing on my life and in my heart. There's more to this journey that you missed, Fred, but sometimes we need to stop while we're trying to remember the good things before the bad memories overwhelm everything else. So cheers to the future, because I know you would want us to savor every second that we get. You were my best friend's dad, so I considered you one of mine as well; I promise I won't forget you. Thanks for leaving a legacy worth remembering. I miss you F-red; we all miss you. And love you beyond what we understand. If you could send your girls some butterflies today, even through the snow, that would be perfect. For This Time, Cambria
3 Comments
Cheryl
1/27/2016 09:39:20 pm
I remember too.
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Kayla
1/27/2016 10:03:44 pm
Thank's for sharing this! 💜
Reply
brenda
1/28/2016 03:57:50 pm
It's always good to pause and thank God for the memories in our lives
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AuthorI'm a die-hard Sixers and Eagles phan, a writer, a teacher, and a dreamer. Archives
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