There comes a time inside of a writer where everything that's bottled up must come out to the readers whether or not the writer wants it written. That is this. Honesty is the best policy, right? At least, that's what we're told from before we knew how to talk. Thus, here is my honesty: My summer wasn't what I wanted it to be. Not remotely close. But it turned out to be exactly what I needed. It's funny how God knows best, and we never believe Him until we look at it from the finish line. I went into a rut after I went back to my parents house for the summer between my junior and senior year of college. It wasn't pretty, but not many people truly noticed for what seemed like a long time. I'm the kind of person that bottles everything up inside and convinces others that I'm okay. I try to convince myself that I'm okay. It's not remotely healthy, and you get pretty good at masking everything while others are around. For me, it was when I was alone that was the worst because the voices in my head (call me crazy but seriously...) were the loudest. But it wasn't just any voices in my head. Satan was whispering lies to me. All day. Every day. But they didn't seem like lies because I believed them. But because I know how God loves me, I knew they were lies. It was confusing, frustrating, and draining all at the same time. Some nights I would cry myself to sleep while other nights I would go to sleep so I didn't have to listen to the voices drag me down farther and farther. It was strange because even though I was fighting with myself, I wasn't fighting with my parents which seemed to be what happened every time I went home. Maybe it was because I am so used to living on my own that when I go back to PA it's hard for me to live under someone else's roof with someone else's rules. However, I never thought of this until now, maybe since I was fighting with myself it saved me from fighting with my parents. I don't know the answer to this. Regardless, I know that my relationship with my parents is far better than it has been since I left for college probably all the way back in Freshman year. That's something I didn't expect. Mainly because I was looking for any way possible to not live under their roof. But God was working there and was healing pieces of my life. I know people go through hard times longer than this main span was, but when I was in it, it felt like eternity even though it was probably about two months. It's beyond scary. Do you know what it feels like to feel like you can't talk to anyone about anything because there's no way they would understand? Do you know what it's like to have lies told to you all day every day about people you thought loved you unconditionally and thus you question their loyalty? Do you know what it's like to want to have alone time but be afraid because the voices are louder then? Do you know what it's like to look in a mirror and feel disgusted with what you see? It's a awful time in one's life when any or all of these occur. Nothing and no one seems safe. You want to reach out but the voices are telling you not to, plus who would be able to help you anyways? You believe lies about your family, best friends, and yourself. But God was taking the hit for all of this. His poor daughter didn't believe about herself that He did. She didn't have the strength to stand up to the voices. To the Devil. I think it's important to note that my friend list back in PA has diminished quite largely. Basically I have work relationships with people, and the ones who I consider close or best friends live at least an hour away. My family doesn't have a home church now nor do I have a college/young adult group that I feel comfortable attending. I'm also quite single. With all of this, you can imagine how lonely I felt. So when I was at a childhood friend's wedding one would think that I would be so happy for her. I was, until I got into my car to go home. Alone. Alone with the lies. It was as if the Devil himself was riding shotgun and all I could do was cry and petition God for any kind of help because he wouldn't leave my car. I was desperate for someone to call me out of the blue. I would have taken anyone at that point. But no one called. It frustrated me because I already felt like I was on my own and now I had to reach out on my own too?! It was easier to simply keep it inside. Bottle it up. Because apparently that's what I do best. In another moment of weakness, I messaged someone (don't worry, technically Siri messaged him because I was still driving). With no response, I figured it wasn't right for me to reach out. I wasn't supposed to be helped. No one wanted to help me. I didn't need help. Lies, right? They were pretty powerful. But God had that person text back as I was nearing arriving back home. That night, he saved me from myself. A friend who is basically my brother told me back near the beginning of this rut that I didn't sound myself. I told him I was fine. He told me that I wasn't fine, but he would wait until I was ready to talk. He had no idea. Well, I guess he kind of did. But he wasn't the one I contacted because I needed to meet up with someone in person and that brother was over 800 miles away. I needed someone immediate. A friend I've known since I was 5 met me. He made me say everything I was afraid to say out loud. He made me say that lies. And he knew it wasn't me. That night was a turning point. I felt more open about talking about what I was going through with people I trusted before lies were whispered. It talked to that brother about it. He knew that I wasn't myself and encouraged me through it. I wish I could say that I no longer feel that way. But there are times that feelings are triggered by words or different instances. But God took care of the Devil and sent him running away from me so the lies don't come around much anymore. You might be wondering, "why is this random woman telling me about this?" Honestly, I'm not sure. Maybe it's part of the healing process. But I do know that despite the lies, I cannot be the only person to have gone through something like this before. Satan is a liar and tries to stick them any and everywhere he can grab a foothold. But God promises to save us every single time. It's when He feels the farthest away that I promise it's because He has you but you just aren't looking the in correct direction. God did a lot for me this summer. He planned my entire summer when I didn't want to do any of what I did actually.
In conclusion (because I know this is super long already), you're not alone because I'm here. And I made it through what I hope is the worst of it or at least a portion of the storm. This was one of the hardest blog posts to write because I kept debating back and forth with ever sentence if I was going to post it or not. If you're reading this, I hope writing this wasn't for naught. For This Time, Cambria
6 Comments
Myra Stoudt
8/24/2016 10:34:12 pm
Dear Sweet Cambria, I would LOVE to talk with you anytime.. I so appreciate your honesty...and all of us have inner voices that sabotage our best growth toward Him. I treasure you, lovely young woman. PM me sometime soon. Maybe we can go have dinner sometime soon. heaven knows I'm incredibly far from perfect! Forgiven! (yay)
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Becky
8/24/2016 11:24:30 pm
Know how you feel been through some then like that. Felt like no one wanted to talk to me or listen to anything I wanted to say. But God help me through it all and any time I feel angry or sad he there for me.
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Profe
8/25/2016 08:25:41 am
You are such an amazingly beautiful person both inside and out. This was real and being real with yourself, with your family, with others, and with God is something most of us can't do. Your strength that you may feel has diminished is leading the way. You are at such a pivotal time in life right now as you start your final year of college. You're right, maybe life hasn't followed the path that you hoped it would, but trust that it is the right path. Day by day, step by step focus on what makes you happy. Find that beautiful smile of yours and continue to share it with everyone you know. And when times get rough and all seems a bit hopeless, remember that this too shall pass and good times are just around the corner. You are part of a bigger plan that God has created for you, yes, but you are also in control of how you experience that plan. He has given you the qualities and the decision making skills you need to follow what makes your heart happy. We all get too busy in life and don't make the time to let the people we care about know just how important they are to us. I know that there is an enormous circle of love and friendship around you. Pull from that. I am sending you the biggest hug I have from far away. Feel that and know that you are never alone.
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Abby Carty
8/25/2016 09:17:39 pm
Hey Cam! I miss you a lot! I'm sorry you had a rough summer, but i want you to know I will be praying for you this year. I hope that when you come home on break we could meet up or something. Every time I see you post it takes me back to when you held my hand at Harvey, and when we were crossing the street and you made me feel safe the whole time. I look up to you for that. Thank you. I love you lots❤️
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Jordy
8/25/2016 10:57:57 pm
Hold onto these truths from the living Word:
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Brenda
8/26/2016 09:14:04 am
But God! Wonderful words! If not for God and our relationship with Him, words from the evil one would ruin our lives. Thanks for your raw and candid blog. Blessings to you, Cambria.
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AuthorI'm a die-hard Sixers and Eagles phan, a writer, a teacher, and a dreamer. Archives
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